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On Topic Of: Rand Paul, Did He Assassinate JFK? [Satire]

September 10, 2013

Supposedly, Senator Rand Paul was born in PA to Doctor Ron and Carol Paul in 1963.

Lee Harvey Oswald was supposedly assassinated in 1963.

What if I told you I have (what Fox News would call) PROOF that Rand Paul and Lee Harvey Oswald are the same person?

It would be a shock, to be sure…but not really a surprise to others.  I mean, after-all there are those on the fringe (or mainstream?) right who still doubt President Barack Obama’s birth certificate and place of birth.  That in mind, allow me to present the evidence uncovered by my crack investigative team (me) following thousands upon thousands of nanoseconds worth of research time invested:

  1. Russian birth certificate, circa 1943.How can we actually tell whether or not it says Rand Paul or Lee Harvey Oswald?  Well I, for one, don’t think we should be wasting money the Federal government doesn’t have on a Russian translator.

    (photo credit:

  2. According to information uncovered on the Rand Paul Uncyclopedia page, Rand Paul was born “in a crib surrounded by a bull and a donkey in Lake Jackson, Texas.”  Senator Paul’s Wikipedia page, however, says he was born in Pennsylvania.  And what’s the tie Lee Harvey Oswald?  In 1944, Rand Lee’s mother moved him to…Texas.
  3. Look carefully (at a glance) at the photos below.  Looks like the same guy, am I right?

    (photo credit:


    (photo credit: CBS News)

    That, right there, should be all the proof we need.  But if you require more evidence…

  4. It is being reported on the Rand Paul Uncyclopedia page that Rand Paul…is not a Christian, but instead a follower of the Aqua-Buddha.  And as we all recall from as early as the 2007 Democratic Presidential Primaries, up to present day, many on the “right” still contend President Obama isn’t a Christian.  And to hear them say it, THAT cannot be tolerated.  From Rand Paul Uncyclopedia:

    The holy writ of Aqua Buddha calls for non believers to be given drugs and encouraged to experience their spirituality thanks to the worship of the merciful and water-dwelling enlightened one. Rand denies having ever done this to anybody, though one could easily imagine him doing it

So has Rand Paul been cloned, or is a clone?  And did he, as Lee Harvey Oswald, assassinate JFK?  Is possible that Rand Paul IS the Highlander?  (dramatic music here)  Is THIS enough false outrage?!?


From → Satire

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A new generation of progressive thought. Another generation of liberal politics.

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